The Spider on the Towel

Recently, I found myself in a situation where am old haunt, an old "well" that I used to frequent when things got rough and I got "thirsty", seemed to jump right in my face and offer its solace. The week had been a rough one. Several weeks in fact. Work issues, relationship issues, feeling lonely, restless... it seems I was ripe for the picking. It also seems that it is in these particular times that I (and most of the men I know) tend to forget all that I know is true and the old messages, the old lies, come flooding in. Right at the moment where my strength needs to be at my beconing, it seems to have run off like a new hunting dog at the first blast of my shotgun.

So there I stood. Alone on a busines trip. Staring at myself in the mirror thru the blinding haze of those dang hotel bathroom flourescent lights wondering who the man looking back was... really. In the first moment, excited at the possibilities that being in a strange town, alone, would afford me to fulfill this sense of emptiness. That with seeming anonimity I could pursue whatever fulfillment was offered to me. No one would have to know. Then I caught a glimpse of my reflection, and the questions started to flood in.

"Who am I... really? Is all of this talk of new Life and a new Identity real, or is it just another rouse? And if it is true, why in the world am I entertaining the thoughts I am?"

Then right on its heals, the accusations, and with it, the trap that was set for me was preparing to slam shut.

I continued to ponder... "And if I am entertaining these thoughts, then my heart must be bad and I must be just a fraud and a failure and if that is true then I might as well just give up this struggle and go out and..."

But at that moment, that moment where the agreement with the lie, the agreement to believe that the heart God placed in me was worth nothing, was milli-seconds away from being embraced, I saw the strangest thing. A black spider dropped down from underneath the bathroom counter and landed smack dab on the center of this bright white hotel bath towel that I had thrown on the floor earlier. It was a study in contrasts- this bright, clean, white towel and this black, creepy, nasty little spider.

In that odd moment, God spoke.

"David, the towel is your heart. Clean. Pure. White. Mine. But neglected. On the floor. Easy place for a spider to get to. The spider is the enemy coming for your heart. And if your heart was not pure, you would never have seen him when he landed."

He was done talking. I killed the spider on the white towel and flushed it.

Funny thing in how the enemy can so easily weasel his way in, but especially when I have neglected my heart, starving it as it were from the source of its Life. So often I try to live on the memory of yesterday's encounter with God (or last week's or last month's). What results is a neglected, starving heart that is easy prey. And our enemy knows this and takes full advantage, not only suggesting the sin but then accusing us for even thinking of it. His goal- to wrap us in the cycle of self defeat and accusation. If he can get you to do your own accusing (of yourself), he can have a coffee break. As my band has come to call him- he is a lazy suck after all, but oh so crafty and good at his job.

So where does that leave me? The next day I wrote this to a boot camp alumni- really, I was writing it to myself too.

"...even in the midst of it all, you are fighting, and that, my friend, is victory too. You are not yet all that you will become, but each decision, each step for freedom that you take (and that includes the steps we make when we get up after falling down) is one step closer to that man that you really are inside. NEVER give up, NEVER. Failure is the man who doesn't rise after he falls, not the man who never falls."

May you and I keep killing the "spider" on the white towel and never give up... never!

David